i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
