I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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