You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
