Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
