Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
