After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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