My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
