Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize