He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize