Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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