need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
