It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
zippers are such a cool invention
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
