Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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