Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It's official drugs can't kill me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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