I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
