life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
