Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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