Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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