bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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