what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm at about main and main street
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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