I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
