I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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