I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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