drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize