don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
