the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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