She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
