I must be too annoying 4 u.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
