I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
