were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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