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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
