Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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