He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
