I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
