I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize