Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
