I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
