Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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