"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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