I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
