first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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