Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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