I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
