Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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