I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
