Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
