YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
