I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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