but the lizard people decide everything anyway
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
