he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
