The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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