the new term for farting is butt boxing.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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