My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
