She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
