I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she peed on how many people?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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