no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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