Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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