drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
