I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
