hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
