you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
