I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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