is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
