Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
