I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
