i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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